I’m Struggling.

You may have noticed the lack of blog posts lately and the unfulfilled promises of posts to come.

I’m struggling, really struggling at the moment.

I started a new job just over 2 weeks ago and it’s brilliant but I’m so tired when I get home, my scheduled posts didn’t publish and I don’t know why and I just haven’t had the motivation to fix the problem.

When I started blogging six years ago it was because I was struggling with depression and I needed a place to vent because I didn’t have anyone I felt I could talk to.

I’ve come a long way in those six years both personally and in terms of how my blog has grown.

But I’m struggling again, I feel like my depression is spiralling out of control again, I’ve completely lost control of my panic attacks and I’m just not coping with anything at all.

I’m not writing this post because I want attention I’m writing it because I feel really low and I just need an outlet for these feelings otherwise I’m scared they’ll get worse and moreover I’m scared what that’ll lead to.

I’m sole carer for my grandparents on my dad’s side of the family. As you all know my Grandad has Alzheimer’s. My grandmother although mostly in good health is 79 years old and requires a great deal of care and attention, despite what she’ll have you all believe. She needs me constantly.

My dad, their son, lives in France and barely bothers with me or them. Whenever I ring him to ask for help because I’m struggling to manage both my grandparents and live my own life he tells me to stop caring for them and just focus on myself like he does. I can’t, I’m not selfish like that.

My grandparents raised me because when I was really young my Dad left me and my mum and moved to France. My mum had to go to work to support her family so I was always at my Grandparents house, and you know what? I had the best childhood.

Now is my chance to give back to my grandparents, they gave up their retirement for me when I needed them most and now that they need me I’m not about to just walk out on them. I couldn’t if I wanted to, I love them too much.

Last night I rang my Dad because I recently started a new full time job and I’m struggling to manage that and caring for my grandparents at the same time, sadly the job is a necessity.

When I spoke to my Dad he told me that he wished my Grandad was dead and that I should stop caring for my grandmother because she’s old and will be dead soon too. I haven’t told my grandmother this and she doesn’t read my blog so she’ll never know. If any family tell her and upset her I swear to god I’ll hunt you down.

What dad said upset me beyond words. I’m well aware that death is inevitable but to have him tell me to forget about them because of that both disgusts and angers me. I attribute what he said partly to the fact he was drunk but we all know a drunk mind speaks a sober heart.

I’m really struggling to deal with it all, my new job is really busy and it’s new I’m still learning the ropes, there’s a lot of pressure though.

I’ve lost control of my panic attacks again too, I’m getting massive panic attacks at least twice a day, it’s making me really sick. They alone are hard to deal with, never mind everything else too.

And everything just feels like it’s falling apart and I’m not okay and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry until my tears run dry but I can’t because I have to deal with my new job and I have my grandparents to care for and people rely on me to be strong.

And I can’t. I can’t be strong any more.

I’m really struggling guys and I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to read, I’m sorry that on top of everything else I’m letting my blog crash and burn too.

I just, I’m not in a good place right now.

I’m sorry.

I love you all. xo

© Charlotte Emily Murray and Charlotte-Emily.net, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Charlotte Emily Murray and Charlotte-Emily.net with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.